Well Thursday was the first day of the gym and working out. Holy hell... I am such a head case! I was the only big girl in the place and the other people there were two pretty jacked up guys two younger pretty fit guys and a tiny little girl who was extremely fit. The whole time I kept feeling like these people were staring at me and feeling like they were judging me. There was a point that the fit girl went over to her boyfriend and they started to laugh. I looked over and she was showing him her phone and all I can think was she video taped me doing something wrong and they were laughing at me and they were going to post something up on YouTube and the whole world will see me doing this. I slowed down what I was doing... Then the two female trainers came in and were the in their office across the gym from where I was "working out" and all of a sudden a roar of laughter came from the room the were in. That was the breaking point for me. I'm Embarrassed to admit but I was almost in tears... I stopped what I was doing, hopped onto the treadmill with hopes of being there for an hour. But ten minutes passed and I still couldn't get out of my head so I left.
I know people can say they weren't talking/laughing at me and people weren't staring at me but my mind just cannot get past it... Its hard to describe where someone's head goes when they are already extremely self contious about being in an unfamiliar situation. You can say to me until you are blue in the face that nothing that happened at the gym was directed at me... I KNOW THAT. But there is something that happens in that moment that all logical thinking goes out the window and in my mind I feel like ALL EYES ARE ON ME.
I guess this is something that possibly goes with the fact that I was teased through out my whole youth. I am always assuming that people will judge me because of my size. I have tried to get past it but... I just can't. Its not a switch that can turn off and on. It built me up to who I am today. That took 30 years... Erasing everything in the past will NOT happen over night.
ANYWAYS....
So I am thinking about doing at home workouts. No one can judge me in my own home :). I am starting off with DDPYoga (again). I came to notice that my knees and wrists are becoming quite the issue lately so until I can get into see a doctor about them, low impact is the best way.
I really appreciate the love and support with my very first post.
Since this seems to be the kick off blog, here is another first... I HAVE NEVER POSTED A PICTURE OF MY FULL BODY ON FACEBOOK OR ANY SOCIAL MEDIA SO HERE IS MY "BEFORE" PICTURE. I haven't decided if I want to post my weight and inches on here or keep them private . i know you are not supposed to value your success on the scale so what are your thoughts?
Anyways please leave comments, tips or advice here or shoot me a message on Facebook. I love you all and hope you all have a glorious day xoxo
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