Well now with a twist ;)

So I am just posting today so I don't break the habit that I am trying to form for this. I have been thinking about a few things today and think I may revamp the direction that I want to go with this and YouTube. I might hold my blog as a body positivity project and my YouTube channel as a happiness project (I am reading the book and just thought I can add that to something haha).

Go through life with a smile on your face and love in your heart and keep on going down what ever path you choose because life is an adventure that is never meant to end when you are still breathing :)

"Be kind to one another"- Ellen Degeneres

Danielle xoxo

Have been going at this all WRONG

Confidence....with yesterday's entry you can tell that's something I don't have very much of. Now look at real women like youtuber Meghan Tonjes and blogger Jes the Militant Baker... THEY have confidence. Some of you may know about Jes, she stirred up a lot of talk by posting a pic of her in the middle of the street in her bra and panties holding a sign, I think it said "if you don't like don't look". She is plus size I think about a size 16 or 18. Meghan is an awesome musician who is gaining more and more popularity not only by great talent but by using YouTube as a vehicle to get her work out there. She is about a 16 as well. So aside from the common that we are all plus size, why these two ladies? Well yesterday in my funk just before I went to bed (which by the way, I didn't work out yesterday either but I will touch on that a bit later) I wanted to read up on something that I watched on Meghan's channel. That's body positivity.

Over the past year or so I have come to take more notice on people " body shaming" each other. More so fat shaming (thats what I was actually thinking the people at the gym were doing to me). It breaks my heart that some people in this world think that guilt and negative comments "help" people to lose weight. Not knowing if these people have a food addiction, if eating is taking emotional pain away, if eating is a better option than to kill yourself... Anyways, a little off topic.

Something made me stop and think about the past two posts I have done. Am I using this as a method of fat shaming myself? What did I call myself in my first blog post? Fat! Why did I post the pictures in yesterdays post (not sure if they showed up)? I am embarrassed that I look the way I do so if I show the world what I actually look like, I will be more motivated on losing it.... WAIT WHAT? I will be more motivated on losing it? Isn't that what Fat Shaming is about? Making someone so embarrassed about their size that they are motivated to losing weight. Wow. So I can apparently talk all this stuff to my friends and loved ones about loving who you are and all your uniqueness, trying from the bottom of my heart to show that someone is worthy of being loved and that NO ONE IN THIS WORLD SHOULD BE MADE ASHAMED OF THEIR BODY but when it comes to me... I am the total opposite. Complete Fucking hypocrite I am.

So back to Meghan and Jes... Well first of all I fully admit... I am banned from Militant Baker's Facebook page. Why? See last paragraph. That's why. Jes is one of the founders of the body positivity movement. That's pretty much being healthy and happy at any size. She is on a mission to show the world that you don't have to be rail thin to be accepted in this world and that no matter what size you are.... Everyone deserves love and not settling for less. And look at me go... I fat shamed myself on her Facebook page without realizing I did it (may have also used some inappropriate ways of describing my body too). Gee I wonder why I would have gotten banned *eye roll*. Yeah I am a decent idiot sometimes haha!

ANYWAYS just reading and realizing that I am no better to myself than those other douche bags who publicly humiliate others, I need to work on changing my views of myself. I know I am not meant to be rail thin. I mean come on, those who know me... Can you picture ME as one of these girls? I also am not wanting to be. I am who I am for a reason. My last physical aside from my thyroid my blood work was impeccable and my doc was envious of it. I was in great health and still weighed in at about 255-260. Why do I need to be tiny tiny to be healthy?

Now on with working out. Oi you remember how I say I talk a big talk ... Well I walk the smallest itty bitty baby walk. I didn't work out yesterday mostly because I was in pain. I think I may have hurt myself by concentrating on what the others were doing around me than what I was doing because my joints and hip hurt (and my knees hurt too, these crispy joints are making it difficult because of the pain it's causing)... SO MUCH. I know excuses excuses but it wasn't the just worked out pain... No no that's right now haha. It was legit I hurt myself pain. I am taking arthritis pain relievers and they are helping so today before work its go time on the DDPYoga :). So yeah that's the random ramblings of me today. You all should check out Meghan and Jes. I think a lot of you guys will like them.

Take it easy and as Ellen says:

"Be kind to one another"

Danielle xoxo

Day 1... Well fuck!

Well Thursday was the first day of the gym and working out. Holy hell... I am such a head case! I was the only big girl in the place and the other people there were two pretty jacked up guys two younger pretty fit guys and a tiny little girl who was extremely fit. The whole time I kept feeling like these people were staring at me and feeling like they were judging me. There was a point that the fit girl went over to her boyfriend and they started to laugh. I looked over and she was showing him her phone and all I can think was she video taped me doing something wrong and they were laughing at me and they were going to post something up on YouTube and the whole world will see me doing this. I slowed down what I was doing... Then the two female trainers came in and were the in their office across the gym from where I was "working out" and all of a sudden a roar of laughter came from the room the were in. That was the breaking point for me. I'm Embarrassed to admit but I was almost in tears... I stopped what I was doing, hopped onto the treadmill with hopes of being there for an hour. But ten minutes passed and I still couldn't get out of my head so I left.

I know people can say they weren't talking/laughing at me and people weren't staring at me but my mind just cannot get past it... Its hard to describe where someone's head goes when they are already extremely self contious about being in an unfamiliar situation. You can say to me until you are blue in the face that nothing that happened at the gym was directed at me... I KNOW THAT. But there is something that happens in that moment that all logical thinking goes out the window and in my mind I feel like ALL EYES ARE ON ME.

I guess this is something that possibly goes with the fact that I was teased through out my whole youth. I am always assuming that people will judge me because of my size. I have tried to get past it but... I just can't. Its not a switch that can turn off and on. It built me up to who I am today. That took 30 years... Erasing everything in the past will NOT happen over night.

ANYWAYS....

So I am thinking about doing at home workouts. No one can judge me in my own home :). I am starting off with DDPYoga (again). I came to notice that my knees and wrists are becoming quite the issue lately so until I can get into see a doctor about them, low impact is the best way.

I really appreciate the love and support with my very first post.

Since this seems to be the kick off blog, here is another first... I HAVE NEVER POSTED A PICTURE OF MY FULL BODY ON FACEBOOK OR ANY SOCIAL MEDIA SO HERE IS MY "BEFORE" PICTURE. I haven't decided if I want to post my weight and inches on here or keep them private . i know you are not supposed to value your success on the scale so what are your thoughts?

Anyways please leave comments, tips or advice here or shoot me a message on Facebook. I love you all and hope you all have a glorious day xoxo

Good Hello All and welcome to my blog to go with my new YouTube Channel "The Big Girl Chronicles".

I am sure this channel name has been taken by oh... 500 other big girl chronicles but meh It's staying.

So lets get down to the nitty gritty.

I'M FAT. Yup... I push the scales between 260-270 and I am by no means proud of this. Am I here to body shame myself? Nope. Am I here to tell others that this is unhealthy and that they need to change if you are like me? NOPE. Am I here to hold myself accountable and push myself and possibly even get a community of people to all try and achieve one goal and thats being the best, healthy person you can be? ....YEP.

Now lets get a few things out in the open.

-I am 30 years old
-I am single
-My weight (like said) ranges between 260-270
-I have been teased MY ENTIRE LIFE ABOUT my weight (no jokes just follow me on this blog and you will see what I mean)
-I have a thyroid problem
-I believe I have a sugar addiction. Whether or not this is a real addiction is not for discussion I think it's real and I think I really am addicted to sugar.
-I truly believe that what others don't see me eat, it doesn't count
-I hate eating in front of people. I always think that they are judging me being a big girl that if I eat a hamburger thats all they think I eat and that's why I am my size
-When I eat I sometimes feel really guilty, it can be a salad and I will still feel guilty
-I am an emotional eater. Proof was when my Papere passed away. All I did was eat... Especially the sugar and desserts. Although the guilt raced through my mind the sugar gave me comfort which I think just forced me to continue the loop
-I can be a train wreck of emotions sometimes... well FUCK that goes hand in hand doesn't it?
-I am lazy
-I can give the worlds best procrastinator (my dad) a run for their money. But I will do it tomorrow.
-I honestly believe I am funnier than I actually am. (Please see previous point)
-I cuss... like A LOT. I can be pretty fucking vulgar (sorry Mom, Memere or any other family members who are going to be reading this... all I can say about that is... I LOVE YOU! And when you guys are around, I try and tame my potty mouth. HAHA)
-I LOVE YouTube. I think it's a great way to build a community and help people grow with you. Of course you will have the trolls but, you live your life on the internet where assholes feel more empowered to speak behind a keyboard than to your face. You have to take the good with the bad in all aspects of life.
-For the past 3-4 years it has been a dream of mine to have a youtube channel. Some of my friends know I can be pretty creative and in the past have been musically inclined haha. I have gone away from my creative side and really desperately want to go back. I find YouTube the perfect vehicle to help me do so.
-I am a work in progress
-I have poor grammar and spelling so... suck it if you feel the need to correct EVERYTHING

I am going to try and have my Blog and my YouTube Channel correspond with each other. I want my blog to be where I am more accountable. I mostly want to post my food journal and my progress here. I need to put something out there. Its funny I work the best when I think I am being judged (in my mind I think people judge me all the time, even though I know thats not true and they probably don't even care about me or what I am doing). My YouTube Channel just general chats and vlogs I guess (I do though, want to have some skits and fun stuff added on there but... I have so many ideas in my head that I need to be more comfortable putting myself out there first). I have a lot on my mind and I need to get it out.

ANYWAYS... I have rambled on long enough.

Hope to see a lot of you follow my journey and I would LOVE for you to share your opinions and tips. (Also sharing is caring so share the link to my Blog and Channel for all the other fabulous people can read and watch my shit show of a journey haha!)

"Be kind to One Another"~ Ellen Degeneres

Much love,
Danielle

YOUTUBE: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCSFy9CPkUjLNW1cv8fVfFZQ